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Pencil thin, bushy, handlebar—no mustache is created equal. Whether you're aiming to grow a wiry Dali or a bushy Ron Swanson, here are nine mustache styles that will inspire you as you grow it however you damn please.
Source: Esquire US
The serious man's mustache. Full, luxuriant, some might even say bushy. This is not for the pretender or the faint of heart, this is for the man who builds things with his hands and who has, at least once in his life, killed his own food. It is found most often on lumberjacks, cops, and high school football coaches. And Ron Swanson.
Today in baseball there's something of a beard epidemic, but back in the '80s it was all about the mustache. Especially the perilously overgrown one, demonstrated here by the father of the modern closer, Goose Gossage. This walrus look is best accompanied by a bit of attitude; the kind that causes you to throw a 96-mph heater at a guy's head, or thunder up the highway on a full Screaming Eagle-kitted Harley. And it always looks good with denim.
If you're the debonaire type who rarely appears in public without a suit on, this is your 'stache. It's also a good choice if you happen to find yourself in a lot of sword fights. Just make sure to keep it clipped and sculpted, you don't want any stray hairs getting in the way when you have to swing from a chandelier with a dagger in your teeth.
This mustache comes with a second element: some chin scruff. It's also good if you like to disguise your patchy facial hair with a strategic style. It takes a steady hand to maintain, however—one false move and it could end up all levels of wrong.
Easily one of the most badass mustaches you can grow, it's also one of the hardest to pull off. Mainly because, in order to wear it, you have to be able to shoot a hole in a quarter from 50 yards. Also, you have to be the cool, quiet type with ice water in his veins. It's a look that pairs best with cowboy boots and a dusty trench coat. Stetson hat optional.
This is a slightly more polished version of the Ron Swanson, popular among P.I.s and news anchors. The main requirement is that you have a full upper lip to allow for follicular volume, and that the mustache itself is relatively thick. You don't want it to look like a push-broom that's lost most of its bristles.
Also known as the "beatnik" or "coffee house poet." The main points are that the mustache and goatee can't connect, and that it can't look too manicured. Basically you want it to appear as if you're too intellectual, creative, and anti-establishment to bother with shaving.
For the absurdist, the most absurd of mustaches. If you like shock value, and also enjoy paintings of dripping clocks, this is the mustache style for you. In a pinch it's also a good place to hang your keys or a light scarf. To achieve this look, simply apply a generous amount of Super Glue to your six-inch long 'stache, then have a friend point a blow dryer at your face while you hold it in place.
This is a great mustache for anyone who's okay with getting some...reactions. You should already own a fixed-gear bicycle, an impressive vinyl collection, and some organic, fair trade, artisanal roasted coffee should you decide to grow one. And you should also know your way around a cocktail made with no less than 17 ingredients, four of which are flavor-infused. Or, be Rollie Fingers circa 1970s.
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