What can Kim Jong-Nam's trousers tell us about a nuclear war?
North Korean leader gets bespoke look as trial of Kim Jong-Nam's assassins begins in Kuala Lumpur.
BY Sam Parker | Oct 4, 2017 | Fashion
It is no exaggeration to say that every image of the supreme leader of Democratic People's Republic of Korea Kim Jong-Un is meticulously scrutinized before being approved for consumption by the wider world.
This is not a man, for example, you could ambush after a few pints with a Snapchat filter that turns his face into a dog and expect him to be cool and play along. He would have your phone stomped to dust and your body fed to an actual dog as punishment.
He can be a little prickly about how he looks, is what we're saying.
Which is why we can't stop looking at this photograph released by North Korea's official Central News Agency just a few days ago. On first inspection it's your standard propaganda piece. Kim stands, straight backed and front footed, absolute centre stage, his form eclipsing even the mighty mountain, beyond which the swine in the south presumably quiver with fear.
His hair is immaculately combed, save for a few strands blowing nobly in the wind. A cigarette - shorthand for Proper Tough Guy since 1946 - rests easily in his palm. An officious man makes careful notes of the supreme leader's wise instructions, while around them several other generals and suits bow their head in awed respect.
Still - look at the fucking trousers, though.
Kim's suit pants are not only twice as wide as those on any other man in the picture, they are twice as wide as any trousers worn by any man in history.
Now we all know that, for the past 4-5 years, men's trousers have been getting wider. On the runways and beyond, a bit of billow - and the comfort that brings – is back, the ghost Hedi Silmane and Dior Homme-inspired skinny fit having finally been laid to rest (or not). As a man obsessed with the West and a regular reader of Esquire (we're guessing), there is every chance Kim knows this.
But Kim's trousers make those in current Autumn / Winter collections look like Essex boy quad-stranglers. They look like they should be fluttering by the side of a motorway to alert people to a nearby car wash. His shoes are being smothered so completely you can almost hear them fighting to take the final breaths of their short, confusing lives. And the weirdest bit is that he appears to be filling the trousers out.
This can only mean one of a few things. First: Kim is standing over a vent blasting hot air around his testicles (sounds quite nice, tbh). Second: the trousers have an inbuilt wire mesh, like some sort of papier-mâché school project. Third: he has elephantiasis of the legs. That could explain a lot.
Or maybe, in Kim's bizarre-o man-baby brain, wearing the widest trousers ever made is a statement of virility aimed at his great nemesis and fellow sartorial rebel Donald Trump ("MY MAN-BITS NEED ROOM DOTARD! DO YOURS, OR ARE THEY TINY LIKE YOUR TINY, TINY HANDS?!"), the start of a trouser-based cold war and international arms (legs?) race in which, when Donald takes the bait, he'll be forced to step out for his next hate rally wearing even wider trousers than Kim – jeans probably, good old American denim, broader than the Grand Canyon herself – that spill out over his podium into the grasping fingers of his loyal inadequates and get caught up Melania's heels all the time.
On and on it will have to go, this penis-signalling oneupmanship, Kim and Trump's trousers getting ever bigger, the finest tailors in America and North Korea locked in combat from opposite sides of the globe, until finally, dragging their weary legs through a pair of pants so broad no one can get within half a mile of them, one man collapses, alone, into a puddle of fabric, and dies.
Sounds a lot better than nuclear war, anyway.
From: Esquire UK