Sex is a wonderful thing. But between two strangers plied with Sainsbury's own brand Prosecco and lube, it can be something of a challenge to get right.
We spoke to a group of women about their worst experiences, to see what we call all learn from their pain.
The guy who wouldn't let it go
"One guy I went home with tried to raise the sails twice but couldn't manage it. I was woken up in the middle of the night by him trying to climb aboard me armed with a still flaccid penis. Worst of all he wanted to have a chat about it in the morning."—Anna, 28-year-old artist.
The Lesson: It is perfectly reasonable that after 24 pale ales you might not be a Casanova come midnight. Most women don't care about a bloke failing to get it up—it's the counseling session afterwards that kills our buzz.
The guy who pushed his luck
"Whilst lying naked in his bed having finished having sex less than 10 minutes ago, he then tells me I should go next-door. Why? So that I could have sex with his housemate too. A man I'd never laid eyes upon."—Harriet, a 23-year-old planner.
The Lesson: What it is about the prospect of sex with a stranger inspires men to try and tick everything off their sexual bucket list at once? I've lost track of the amount of girlfriends of mine who go home with a man who then tries something off-key like sticking porn on during sex or trying for anal without even asking.
The guy who took it too far
"I had this awful night where a man put his hands around my throat during sex. It was just tight enough for me to start to panic because I had no idea what he was doing. I stopped him furiously and he explained, mortified, that he had always done it with his ex-girlfriend and never thought of it as strangling someone."—Jess a 31-year-old lawyer.
The Lesson: Never wise to crack out your sexual kinks with someone you just met—and this doesn't just mean whips and chains. Probably better to check first with someone if they're up for something, even if you do feel like McLovin for asking.
The guy who couldn't remember her name
"One guy asked me what my name was four times, three whilst drunk and once the next morning. I told him different names each time and he didn't even notice."—Emma a 25-year-old recruiter.
The Lesson: Less than ideal to be asked what your most basic identity information is by someone who has just come inside you. If you really want to find out her name, do it discreetly by taking her to Starbucks.
The guy who did anything to avoid a condom
"I once had a huge row in bed with a man because he didn't believe I wasn't on the pill and didn't want to use condoms. Needless to say we never actually made it to copulation after he made me feel quite so special. "—Sophie a 26-year-old teacher.
The Lesson: Refusal to use condoms is one of the least attractive traits you could find in someone you're in bed with. If we are on the pill we won't have just temporarily forgotten about it, and even if we are, 'the guy from the bar' covered in Jaeger doesn't come with a disease-free guarantee.
The guy that kicked her out after the act
"After sleeping together he went for a shower and said I should probably leave when he got back. He made some bullshit excuse about his mum coming over the next day, those lies are so transparent by the way. He wouldn't even give me a jumper to go home in because he said, 'Lets be honest I'll never see it again.' I emptied his bins on his doorstep on my way out."—Charlotte 30-year-old stylist.
The Lesson: There is no way of asking someone to leave in the middle of the night after you've been inside them that doesn't make you an awful human being.
The guy who wouldn't let her leave
"I tried to pull a half-night stand recently because I hate waking up to a horror show. This guy refused and stood in my way so I had to physically fight him to go. He kept saying it wasn't safe, but I'm pretty sure he just wanted morning sex."—Francesca, 26-year-old publicist.
The Lesson: Being held hostage against your will can be a surprisingly negative way to end the evening. Believe it or not lots of women don't actually want to spend a night tossing and turning next to a foreign body only to have awkward Frosties the next day.
The guy that made himself at home
"I once slept with a guy who decided to work from home the next day. My home. He ordered food to the sofa and sat there in his pants, it was so surreal I couldn't even ask him to leave. We had sex again before he finally left and he answered the phone to his dad half-way through, whispering to me that his dad was his 'best mate"—Rose, 32-year-old doctor.
The Lesson: Overfamiliarity is the biggest killer of intrigue. Watching you take conference calls in your Uniqlo boxers whilst chowing down on a pizza slice is a sure way to ensure you will never hear from someone again.
From: Esquire UK