1 | "I no longer care about how I look in public." Old jeans? Who cares. A sweater from 1993? Don't mind if I do. Shaving? Too much work. Bottom line: If it's not covered in spit-up, I can wear it. Thankfully, I'm no longer going anywhere interesting, so this doesn't matter.
2 | "Hmm, I don't know how much longer I'll be comfortable with people complimenting my daughter." At some point in the next two decades, I'm going to go from wanting everyone to tell me how beautiful my child is ... to hating anyone who dares to even suggest it. Now stop looking at her before I come after you.
3 | "Single parents must be superheroes." How the hell do they do it? I have every advantage a new parent could have, and I still feel like I'm constantly drowning. Having a baby is exhausting for anyone, no doubt, but I'm amazed by single parents who manage to do all this work on their own.
4 | "What constitutes 'dirty' these days is totally relative." If I ever had to use a public restroom in the past, god forbid, it would require at least two layers of toilet paper on the seat, minimum. Now, I'm wrist-deep in dirty diapers on a daily basis, and I don't even flinch. I can't decide if I should be proud of that.
5 | "I don't trust anyone." Oh sure, I have close friends. And I love my parents and in-laws. And I know plenty of parents who have raised great kids. Yet, if I leave my baby with any of them, I instinctively assume they're doing something wrong and scarring my child for life. Only I know how to feed and change my baby the right way.
6 | "Whoa. There are so many ways to accidentally injure a baby." As much as I want to protect my child, everything in my house is a weapon now. Her burp cloth could suffocate her. The iPhone charging cord is a choking hazard. Walking up and down the stairs with her could be fatal. And that's before I even put her in a car seat. Every time this baby smiles, I deserve an award.
7 | "I have newfound respect for anything that distracts this child." There was a time when I mocked Barney the Dinosaur, and laughed at those annoying toys that do nothing but make noises, and thought having multiple teddy bears was a waste of money. Now, if my baby is temporarily captivated by a plastic spoon, I'm secretly praising whoever invented it. Dora the Explorer will soon be my new God.
8 | "'Getting ready' in the morning? What's that?" You know that feeling when you're well-rested, clean, no longer hungry, and eager to take on the world? Me neither. I used to wake up and "get ready" for my day by eating breakfast, taking a shower, and changing my clothes. I'm done with all that. It's now half-awake, hungry, and hope-I'm-wearing-pants at best.
9 | "What's my wife's name again...?" I don't remember what it is anymore because I haven't used it in months. She's just "mom" now. When we got married, she changed her name. No one told me she was going to change it again within a few years.
10 | "I'm the funniest man alive!" I puffed up my cheeks and softly slapped them, blowing air into my baby's face, and she laughed like it was the greatest thing she'd ever witnessed. Which it probably was. Damn, I'm hilarious. Take that, Louis CK!
From: Esquire US.