9 Unintentionally Hilarious Movie Sex Scenes
An orgy of awful.
BY Paul Bradshaw | Nov 23, 2016 | Film & TV
Last year, Morrissey got a bit angry when he won The Literary Review's Bad Sex Award for his first novel—a book that included the line, "Eliza and Ezra rolled together into one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation."
It's quite possible that he'd been watching a lot of Showgirls when he wrote it—or any one of the following films that make you wonder if you've been doing it really, really wrong...
Elizabeth Berkley and Kyle MacLachlan go for a skinny dip and do the whole "pouring-champagne-over-the-boobs" thing. The only possible explanation for what happens next is that someone scrubbed out the words "they have sex" in the script and replaced it with, "she has a seizure and he just doesn't care". At best, it looks like she's auditioning for Blackfish.
2. Body of Evidence
It's a great idea for a '90s thriller—cast Madonna as a femme fatale who sexes men to death with her sexy sex. The only problem is, the height of her sexy sex involves pouring hot liquid candle wax on Willem Dafoe—after licking champagne off his chest (yeah, again) and trying to act at the same time. Which, as we all know, is hard work for Madonna.
If you really want to spice things up in the bedroom you need a Leonard Cohen album and rubber owl suit. Patrick Wilson, Malin Åckerman and Zack Snyder manage to ruin 'Hallelujah', superheroes and sex all at the same time with one of the most awkward, movie derailing, inappropriately scored bedroom scenes ever filmed—and then they top it all off with a spunking spaceship.
What starts off as slappy barbarian rape somehow gets all Mills & Boon as soon as Rosario Dawson gets a knife to Colin Farrell's neck. Clearly a bit overwhelmed by his lovely blonde mullet, she suddenly stops resisting and starts squealing along to a schmaltzy score that's probably meant to be sexy or romantic or completely not-laughable.
Jennifer Lopez plays a lesbian who likes doing provocative yoga and comparing penises to big toes—just to prove that she's really a lesbian. Eventually, of course, Ben Affleck's winning charm forces her to change sexual orientation so dramatically that she asks him for oral sex with the classic line, "It's turkey time. Gobble gobble." It's hard to take anything seriously after that.
Ah, we see what Spielberg was trying to do here. Eric Bana had just witnessed a load of atrocities, so his climactic sex scene was supposed to be a big cathartic release of raw emotion. Unfortunately, Bana's angry, eye-popping O face takes up so much screen time that it starts to become hilarious. Always good to end a film about real-world terrorism on a laugh.
The sex scene in Avatar throws up a lot of questions. If the Na'vi have sex with their ponytails, what the hell are they doing to those dragons? Why don't the Na'vi wear pants on their heads? What happens if your ponytail accidentally touches someone on a bus? Could a Na'vi mate with Steven Seagal?
8. Color of Night
It's hard to work out what the best bit is here. Is it the overly-dramatic synth pop score? The fact that Bruce Willis and Jane March start shagging in a koi carp pond, then a shower, then a sauna? The huge headboard that looks (ironically) like a BAFTA award? Nope, it's probably the random cut-away to a pair of hang-gliders.
9. Howard The Duck
George Lucas, Lea Thompson and Tim Robbins all reached an all time low with Howard The Duck, and Howard The Duck reached an all time low with a bizarre bestiality scene that sees Thompson seduce a giant duck into bed. Thankfully, the scene cuts to a silhouette before things get too disturbing, but we're still not sure if we're meant to laugh or cry.
From: Digital Spy