I grew my mustache in 1976. It makes my nose look smaller. That's the exact reason, in reverse, why you should shave your pubic hair: to make your dick look larger. I've told guys to do that and it absolutely works.
One look at my girth and you're thinking, "This is a guy who eats a lot." I won't try new foods, though. A friend had these rattlesnake sausages. I don't think so. Chocolate covered this or that? No, thank you. I've tried venison. Then I felt guilty. I'm eating Bambi!
Dutch girls hate the expression, "Going Dutch." It's like, "What? We don't want to go on a date and get treated? We want to pay for it? No! We want to be taken out for dinner!"
My porn name would have been Timothy Bell had I played that game where you take the name of your favourite pet and the name of the first street you lived on. I had a turtle named Timothy and I lived on Bell Boulevard. Have you met Timothy Bell? He's a new stud in the porn business. Stand back! I don't know how big this is going to get!
Asians revere tortoises because they live to a great age. I have a Russian tortoise called Cherry. She's very demanding.
I was born and raised in New York City. I went to Cardozo High School, where the future director of the CIA, George Tenet, was my classmate. We were on the same soccer team. He was a defender, I was a winger.
Women want that special time when it's just you and them one or two days a week. If you don't do that, your marriage is fucked.
I'm fairly cheap. Put it this way, when I take a dollar out of my pocket the president on the bill is rubbing his eyes and saying, "Daylight!"
You can sulk and be depressed about getting older. What's worse than another birthday? Not having one. My dad's 96. How many people break 100? He could be spooked, or say, "I made it this far and I'm still going."
Your real legacy is children. I wouldn't have minded being a dad. I'm not searching, but I'll accept it if something happens. You can do it.
If I had a girlfriend and she had sex with some guy, I wouldn't get jealous. If she walked on a beach holding hands or sat by a fire and had wine, I'd kill 'em both! A little nookie, who cares? Cuddle and we've got a problem.
I had surgery for an aortic aneurysm. It's what killed Albert Einstein. You should get your blood pressure checked once a month, it'll save your life.
When you get into your mid-forties, a woman can smoke you. Trust me.
I've never owned a gun. I'm not a bad shot, though. I did musket shooting with the Boy Scouts. I practiced with my first pistol at Charlie Sheen's house. What just fell? Oh, I dropped a name. Charlie had an underground firing range, we shot pistols and I was good. He was impressed.
My dad was a physicist. A brilliant guy. My mom was a spy in World War II. How are you going to beat that? She spent a lot of time in Sweden as a decoder. They got her out of Queens College and gave her the honorary rank of lieutenant, so if she was captured they'd give her officer's respect.
I love anything by Kurt Vonnegut, as well as The Catcher in the Rye and Death of a Salesman. I like biographies, too. Mine was very successful. I've read Slash's. We mention each other. Rodney Dangerfield gave me a great plug in his. Maybe it's a bit conceited, or egocentric, but I base a lot of my reading on knowing that I'm in the book.
I get upset watching horses fall down in gladiator movies when they use those trip wires that hurt a lot of them.
I barely drink. Don't touch drugs. I've never smoked. Well, I smoked a little pot in college but never tobacco.
Men try to act so tough, like these sheikhs with many wives. They couldn't satisfy their own hand! A woman should have a harem of Chippendale dancers; that, they can handle. Their sex drive is more powerful than ours. Take this to the bank, folks, because Uncle Ronnie doesn't lie to you: when you get into your mid-forties, a woman can smoke you. Trust me. They'll destroy you, and your friends, if you're that liberal.
Leave this planet a better place than it was when you got here. Have a good time but make some kind of contribution.
We don't find schoolgirls to cast in adult movies. The fact is, women who are over 18—usually way over 18—see Jenna Jameson making millions of dollars and contact the agents. They can only use a tiny portion of the tremendous amount of girls who want to be in the business.
I got my master's degree in Special Education, teaching disturbed kids, 40 years ago. It was very rewarding. Even now when I see a class of kids with special needs, I get a little choked. I could have done more, maybe. I think I was a good teacher but quit because I wanted a shot at acting.
My friend has got a pretty big schlong. He was having a wardrobe fitting and the tailor said, "I'm putting extra space in your pants on the left side." Did you know most men, 90 percent, hang to the left? Interesting.
Tom Van Schelven
Fat people die. The best exercise you can do is to push yourself away from the dinner table. I was a kung fu brown belt and used to fly through the air. I was very graceful but got careless; I went from the gym to the buffet.
I hate people who act like your best friend when they're thousands of miles away, but when they're just a few blocks away, they don't call you.
I believe in God, but have I been a good enough boy to go upstairs and not downstairs? I think so. I'm a moral guy. I never hurt anybody.
From: Esquire US