Man at His Best

Here Are Some Recent Obituaries You Might Have Missed

Four non-human things that deserve a solid memorial.

BY AJ Jacobs | Mar 28, 2016 | Culture

1 | The New York taxicab, 108

A once popular mode of urban transportation, the street-hail taxi died in Manhattan Monday following a short, intense illness. The immediate cause was marketing executive Daniel Murtha, who ordered an Uber after emerging from a Japanese restaurant despite the line of four vacant yellow taxis waiting by the curb with drivers frantically trying to get his attention.

The taxicab was born in the early 1900s and had ferried millions of clients over the years to and from bars, business meetings, and embarrassing overnight trysts. Riders could summon one by extending an arm high into the air while making sure to be white.

Taxis were known for sticky seats, artificial pine scents, and drivers who believed that real rain would soon arrive to wash all the scum off the streets.

Taxicabs are survived by Uber, Lyft, Gett, and several dozen smug Ayn Rand–quoting billionaires.

2 | "Netflix and Chill," 4

Having lost all credibility, the phrase "Netflix and chill," a euphemism for sexual intercourse, died Wednesday in New Rochelle, New York. It was four years old.

The cause was my uncle Bruce, a 76-year-old ophthalmologist, who used the expression at Passover dinner. The final utterance was "After the Andrea Bocelli concert on Friday, we picked up some Nova at Barney Greengrass, then went home and did a little Netflix and chilling."

It is survived by a very discomfiting mental image of my uncle.

3 | My Authority as a Parent, 9

My Authority as a Parent died Thursday. It was nine years old. It succumbed after I asked my nine-year-old son to turn off a Futurama rerun and he responded that I could "bite [his] shiny metal ass."

My Authority as a Parent was born soon after my son and flourished briefly with the assistance of such tactics as time-outs and slowly counting to three in a stern voice.

But My Authority as a Parent began a decline from which it never recovered last month, when I used the phrase "This is your last warning" for the fourteenth time in a ten-minute period.

It is survived by chaos and dread.

4 | Burning Man, Experiment in Community and Art, 30

Burning Man, a large countercultural festival that took place in America in the Nevada desert, has died, according to Just About Everyone.

Burning Man began as a small ritual on a San Francisco beach in 1986, inspired by the ideals of free expression and French anarchist philosophy. It moved to Nevada, where it grew in size, and featured a mix of performance art, glitter, dust, elaborate hats, electric ukuleles, and nipples.

In its final years, Burning Man was afflicted by billionaires in air-conditioned yurts and debilitating bouts of Cara Delevingne.

But the recent attendance of Grover Norquist—a Republican antitax activist and NRA board member—proved fatal.

From: Esquire US.


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